The Minthus dipped low in the evening sky, skirting the clouds as it fell faster than it had ever moved before. Brilliant oranges and reds were reflected in the clouds as the ship glided along, threatening to sink beneath the cover forever. It wavered there, as though it were defying it’s own defeat at the hands of this behemoth, it’s once proud guns still hanging with conviction into the vastness beyond itself. In a flash the bright crimson beams shot forth from the behemoth, bending downwards with tremendous speed ripping through the tissue paper that was the Minthus’ hull.

Flames spouted like incredible spring blossoms from the ravaged hull, speckling the air with debris and littering the clouds. In the quickly darkening sky, the Aria Rose held like a stubborn mule. The Minthus slid below the clouds, casting off pieces of itself as it went, finally submitting to it’s wounds. Now the sky belonged to the Aria Rose. It had dominated the only three ships that stood in it’s way, and now it stood alone, inviting the eyes of those who might look to gaze upon it’s impressive berth.

I couldn’t look away. Even as I cringed from the sudden drop in atmosphere I felt compelled to look at the damn thing. My hand wrapped around the butterfly grip of the throttle, and I shrank away immediately , feeling more than a few broken bones making their presence known. I was already cold, but with the blood that I lost from earlier I was starting to freeze. I grunted through the pain as I heaved ahead on the throttle, making the engines roar once more with that same fury I had grown so fond of.

I jolted back, just like the hundreds of times before, only now I found myself gasping for air as the I climbed like a bat out of hell. What was the point of going straight for it anyway? It seemed like the only thing left for me to do at the time, but I guess it was just stupidity that made me stay the course. The emergency engine heat warning started sounding right in my ear, so I whipped my head to try and knock off that damn headset. As far as I knew the engines could have actually been on fire, but I wasn’t really paying attention any more, so it didn’t matter.

However, no matter how fast I climbed, that ship never seemed to move any closer. It just sat there, like some kind of golem, taunting me from it’s lofty position. I wanted to reach up and pluck it from the goddamn sky, twisting it’s wretched metal hide in my own hands, breaking it apart the same way it broke the Minthus. But it could never be that way. Not as my already overworked NS-58 began to overheat. Not as the clouds below me finally swelled and ebbed back into place, consuming the last bits of the Minthus. Not as the Aria’s forward cannons glowed that ominous pale red. Not as the scarlet beams tore forth, blinding me in an instant. Not then, and not ever it would seem.

It was quiet in there. I wasn’t expecting it at all. I wasn’t expecting to wake up really, but there I was, breathing in that stagnant air, feeling those starched sheets rubbing against my skin. My eyes didn’t need to adjust to the light since the drapes were pulled closed, but things were still blurry. I lifted my hand into the air to look at it, and I saw the IV sticking out of my arm like some sort snake, feeding me rather than itself. It was cold in there too. Not so cold I was shivering or anything, but cold enough for me to remark about it.

I exhaled sharply, exasperated, and I could feel my lungs screaming out in agony. I don’t know why, but it wasn’t troubling to feel that pain shoot through me, not troubling in a conventional worrisome way. Instead I was thrown into a deeper anxiety, wondering exactly what I did to deserve this, to deserve these feelings of pain and discomfort. To deserve this gift of life. I laid there fretting my own fortune as the clock ticked away endlessly, each stroke finding its way into my subconscious, echoing around like a shout in a chasm. How did I survive? Here, in this hospital room, how did I even manage to make it far enough to feel this pain and ask these questions?

My attention was suddenly drawn to several lights that were blinking in the corner of the room. Pale, red lights. My eyes grew as wide as saucers and I was jolted into a more poignant awareness. The Minthus. The Garter. The Dolstoy. The Aria Rose. And everyone. What had happened to them? What happened to the Minthus? Nothing. I was drawing a blank. I didn’t have the strength to fathom what may have become of everyone I knew, to the Minthus. Nevertheless, I couldn’t go back to sleep even if I tried. I stared at the ceiling with distant eyes and a wandering mind. An announcement came over the PA system and I could only hear garbled mumbling over my own musings.

I gulped down a shallow breath that served only to dry out my mouth. I dropped my bottle of water and it bounced once against the linoleum, spurting water across the floor. I had my jacket draped over my shoulders and it slipped off slowly without any intervention. I was trembling with a subdued sort of fear that didn’t come from something tangible, nothing I could wrap my hands around. The words sat there before me, as real as they were dejecting. I wasn’t shocked by the amount of casualties, or that all three ships were destroyed in the skirmish with that phantom ship. But I couldn’t shake suddenly being ripped from all of that. I just stared, blank faced and hoping I’d wake up or something. It just wasn’t real; not to me.

The field Marshall had asked me all sorts of questions, none of which I cared for. They weren’t intrusive or condescending, just sympathetic, and I hated that. I was being babied for being the only survivor. Coddled for being the one person out of thousands that was unfortunate enough to live through that nightmare. What’s worse, I was given a two rank promotion that seemed mandatory and cold. I was now a captain, a goddamn captain without a division to serve in. No unit, no subordinates, no comrades. I was the hollow captain. Reassignment wasn’t discussed, nor was reestablishing the 6th division for which I served. The 6th division that I had outlived. I was left hollow for some time, just floating around division headquarters with nothing but my rank and a bastion of shoulders to cry on. I didn’t shed a single tear, but I also never slept. It was becoming part of my hollowness to remain conscious at all times, even when I was drifting into some sort of stupor. All those faces looking at me with pity, sometimes with reverence or even awe. I was asked once if I was indestructible. I probably sounded like an asshole when all I did was laugh.

Days passed while I wandered through, signing the last of my reports on the battle, which had been dubbed the Battle of the Auburn Sky by the press. They liked wrapping things up neatly like that. I couldn’t have cared less, but I was asked about Auburn Sky a million times, and I was sick of it after the first time when I asked myself about it. But when you think about it, who else could they ask?

Just like that I was alone and jaded, empty and completely dry. That’s all I could do to describe it to myself. Dry. I was dry on the inside, nothing moving at all, and dry on the outside, my hands becoming thick and leathery. I was all dried out as I saw it, and only because I had been spared when not a single soul aside was given the chance. Yet more days passed until I finally gave my deposition to Colonel Braddock. Clean cut and professional, he asked all the same questions, and typed them all into his notebook. He wanted facts, and I appreciated that. He seemed not the least bit disturbed by the battle or it’s ramifications, and I appreciated that too. He was the only one who didn’t feel the need to say he was sorry. He knew it wasn’t his damn fault, or anyone else’s for that matter. Nevertheless, he pissed me off as he smugly finished his typing and shook my hand. He was a soldier after all, but his duty was what was really bothering me. I wasn’t going to appear in court, it wasn’t proper. After all, I wasn’t being held accountable, and I wasn’t bearing witness to a crime; not in their eyes anyway. It was just that after all the reports I filled out and all the times I spoke to the higher ups about the whole damn thing this seemed inconsequential. Moot. I reckoned they didn’t need a reason, and it was pointless to question their wanting to hear it one more time, from the horses mouth so to speak.

I didn’t feel much like being a captain after I read a military newspaper article that my deposition was quoted in. I didn’t feel angry about it, but those words just seemed to be coming from somewhere elsewhere, a place I couldn’t relate to, even if I was the one who said them. Night after night I departed more and more from where I was only a few short months prior, and I lost a lot more than just friends sitting around that place like some dejected veteran. Sometimes I felt like I should have walked around with a cane just to complete the illusion. I was 21. How the hell did I end up here? Like this? Pensively I lost sight of something I didn’t even know I had seen in the first place. That was the most rattling part of all.

Riley Corcoran. I remembered calling her the stout Lieutenant all the time. She wasn’t really stout, just short really, and she was actually fairly slender. She had a pretty face, but it wasn’t something I had bothered with a lot. We graduated from the academy at the same time, but the first time I spoke to her was aboard the Minthus. She studied to become an engineer, but somehow she had fallen into becoming a helmswoman. A helmswoman aboard the most renown battleship of the decade no less, so I guess it was the prestige that made her complacent. Honestly though, her dream to become an engineer was sort of a shallow one to begin with, she had even admitted it to me once or twice, so holding such a position as helmswoman suited her just fine in that respect. She equated it to having those grandiose dreams of becoming an astronaut when you’re 10. My dreams were just as clichéd, but I had never felt them to be paper thin or unattainable by any means. That’s just who I was though, and besides, becoming a pilot in an age of aerial warfare wasn’t too far fetched.

She sobbed in her sleep too. I could never put a finger on it, but she was sad in ways that I couldn’t begin to understand. I had watched her like that plenty of times, just lying there, a small tear in the corners of her eyes, which were clamped tightly, and that soft whimper that I could feel from across the bed. It was like watching her bear her burdens quietly; wordlessly. I managed to understand a little bit of what she mumbled in her sleep, but I felt like I was eavesdropping when I listened to her like that. I’ve always had terrible luck at night, always finding something else I couldn’t do once the sun had gone down. It didn’t matter though, things were never good enough to merit conquering my shortcomings permanently. That’s what alcohol was for.

The entire time I took things too lightly. I stood aboard that ship with as much pride as any of my comrades, but I’ve looked back on it since then as though I was nothing but a moron. In truth I was only a novice, but what the hell did it matter now? Porter and Hollings were as important as I was, and just as inexperienced, but they had more of a right to continue on than I did. Dutiful, proud, but not arrogant, they were what made the Minthus what it was. People like them and Riley. God I hated thinking about how unimportant I actually was on that ship. The more time that passed since the Minthus’ demise the more I felt relegated to nothing more than a shut-in. A worthless soldier that sits and waits for something that’ll never come.

What was it I was trying to think of? I can’t put my finger on it really, but I had been thinking about Riley and the rest, wondering what it was about them that stuck with me so well. Something just never left me, it made me sad to remember them, but also glad that we had met at all. Sounds sort of sappy, but it was all I could think of for some reason. I watched the clock tick away, the minute hand finally landing on the bold 12 that sat atop the face. Six o’ clock. Should I even bother with dinner? I’m not hungry. Christ, was I ever hungry these days? I slipped my jacket on and stepped out of my room for the first time in what seemed like months. But in truth, it hadn’t even been a full two months since I was promoted.

I knew that smell. I knew this room , and the people in it. But none of it had the same sort of meaning for me. I never actually felt like I belonged in there for any reason. Not because I was a soldier, not because I was eating, not even because I had been asked by the brigadier general to meet him for dinner . It was all just too far removed from me and the person I had mutated into in my sleepless nights staring at the ceiling. Although I may have become only a shadow as of late, my memory was still vivid, burning that still shudder-inducing scenario into my mind. I always felt like it was my fault. Lives and livelihoods having been destroyed in the wake of that monster, how could I feel any other way? I was pathetic. I was doomed to remember what I lost forever. I was simply a useless byproduct that had somehow garnered the title of hero and was kept lingering for reasons I could never quite fathom.

“That’s not true.” Riley always looked at me like that. She had gotten over the animosity that existed between us early on, coming to look at me with those clear eyes whenever she could. I could hardly put the way those eyes made me feel into words, so I never tried. I always let her do the phrasing and suggestions. She was something of a writer, which I admired. I wonder why she spent so much time with me now that I think about it. Why didn’t she delve any deeper into what she loved to do? Why did she always feel so connected to me even when I treated her badly? I guess those were only questions that had no answers now, but they echoed in my head nevertheless. “Are you listening?” She spoke as though she were real, and my eyes wanted her to be there more than anything, looking out at the empty chair across from me and seeing only her lithe form filling it with such grace. That smile was still shining in my eyes like it had the day we met. Of course, being the imbecile I was I succeeded in wiping her innocent face clean of it within seconds of that meeting. “C’mon Parker. You don’t have to pretend like I’m not here.”

I stood in the shower letting the cold water run over my body. I was like that since I was a kid, always preferring cold showers to warm ones. Never had a real answer for why that was, but it certainly wasn’t something I did for the fun of it. It was habit, perhaps. Just surreptitious actions that become part of your everyday life. I stepped out and there she was, no longer in uniform like she had been in the mess hall, but rather wearing a towel, like a page out the book that was my memories. She smiled again. I guess that’s just how I had decided to remember her. I sat down on my bed, and she did the same, sitting across from me, crossing her legs and placing her hand on her chin. I didn’t look as she sat there, I just kept getting dressed.

“Alright, fine. If you don’t want to talk to me then I guess I’ll just have to stop talking to you as well.” I could have thought a million different things in that instant, but I just got dressed and got up to go. I ventured one last look at her. She was still on the bed, her head turned away from me, pouting. That was her for sure, the spoiled little girl with a cross to bear all the time. But it didn’t matter. Not anymore. I was just depressed about having it get this far. I didn’t suppose it meant anything, but I ignored it all the same.

I probably shouldn’t have come to the mess hall. I didn’t even touch the food they gave me and I just sat there, listening to whatever maddening thoughts meandered in and out of my head like it had a revolving door built right in. Hollings was still chatting it up with Riley across the table from me. He always did have a thing for her. What a chump. I hadn’t looked at them in a good while, so I could only imagine that they looked the same as they did in those days back on the Minthus. After all, all I had left were my memories anyway, so what else would they look like? I decided to screw it and leave after about a half hour just sitting there. I grabbed the tray that I had set in front of me with no intention of eating what was on it and stood up. But as I glanced across the table Porter’s eyes met my own, and for the first time I began to lose a bit of my composure.

Until now I had whole heartedly believed I was making all of this up, letting my own damn hang-ups get to me when I had always been the one who actually accepted the reality of things. But Porter looked at me, his face wasn’t the one I had always known. I couldn’t remember that face for the life of me, and unless I had truly forgotten everything about my friend this had to be something else. Instead of acting as though I were certifiable I decided to play along, and I looked back at him, his eyes still glaring at me with an intensity I wasn’t entirely used to.

Maybe I was crazy. I certainly had no way of knowing if I was or not, but that didn’t stop me from playing with the idea. The ceiling was dark in places, and bars of light spread across it like lines on a stretch of road. My eyes were always adjusted to the dark, so I could see every goddamn imperfection in the pale white stucco. It just felt so strange to sit there and wonder what was wrong with me when I felt the same as I had for the last month or so. Why all of the sudden am I doubting my own sanity? I had always had issues with my being the only one alive, but not once had I been so far over the edge that I’d assume I had lost my mind. It was just too convenient is all.

I had actually taken the time to get ready for bed tonight; first time in a while. I thought maybe if I brought myself back to the conventions that used to define me perhaps I’d actually start to understand what it was I was seeing. I’d start by brushing my teeth and taking a shower. Tomorrow I’d shave, eat breakfast, even read a newspaper if I could find one. Sure it seemed like the very least I could do to achieve what I wanted, but I had to start somewhere. I ran my tongue over my teeth, feeling how glossy they were. God, it felt really mundane to spend this much time thinking about nothing. But as I wasted away trying to sleep like always, I heard the bathroom door slide open. It slammed shut shortly thereafter, and I could hear footsteps approaching from that direction. Soft steps that hardly registered even in the ambient silence of the night, but they were there all the same. She flopped down on the bed, just like she used to. She let out that loud sigh and stretched her arms and legs out, her left leg grazing my own as she did. I heard her towel slump to the floor as she tossed it aside. The thing was, these were all things I had experienced night after night when she was still alive, so it only made sense to assume that I was recycling, just letting all of her somehow filter back through me and into what I was perceiving as the real world. Didn’t change the fact that I wanted to roll over and hold her in my arms again more than I ever had in the past.

“You’re being really stubborn this time, you know that?” I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to look at her. I had to see, I had to know why she was here. I had to see the face of the woman I loved. I was nearly toppled as I spun about to look at her, her eyes meeting my own square on. She was perfectly framed by the pale light passing through the window, tracing the curves of her cheeks and her soft lips. God, it was like drifting back in time, or maybe into a dream or something. No matter how I looked at it, she was real. Really laying beside me on the bed. Before I knew it she was speaking again.

“If I did something Parker, you can tell me.” she was so sincere it made me shudder. I hated being put in that position by her; she always wanted to make me feel like the bad guy for some reason. “Riley…” for the first time I faltered and spoke to her. She seemed to well up as I finally said her name. “Parker…” she smiled and tears were beginning to form in the corners of her eyes. They didn’t spill forth just yet, but she was still showing signs of being close to bawling. She lifted her hand, and just as she had done a million times before and placed it lovingly on my face. I had no idea how to react. I could feel it, and it was warm, soft, just as I remembered. “What’s wrong?”

What the hell was I supposed to say? ’You’re dead sweetheart?’ I really was losing it, but at least in some perverse way I was finally getting her back. After all the time I had spent in meandering denial of her passing, I was ready to settle for anything that was even remotely real, and this felt pretty damn real to me.

“Riley, I’ve missed you…” I managed to utter as I looked her in the eye. “I missed you too baby.” without a single second of hesitation, she kissed me. And I kissed her back. It felt normal, commonplace even. I knew how she felt, and I missed it so much. Her taste, her touch, her scent. All of it I desired still, even this long after I had last experienced any of them.

It had been a year now, and things were becoming more and more detached from what I used to know. It wasn’t like I remembered it being. Things were still slow and I hated thinking about what happened half a year ago , but she was everywhere now. And the thing was, I could hold her now. I could smell her scent in the air, hear her voice as she responded to what I said. I just couldn’t make sense of it anymore.

I could feel the cold grass beneath me as I lay there on the hill overlooking the hangar where my ship was kept. I hadn’t been here since the Minthus was lost, but I was told they managed to recover all it’s major components and it was being reassembled. That was a year ago now, and as far as I knew it was finished. I wondered why they didn’t just give me a new one though. The NS-58 is as basic equipment as they come, and I was certain there were more than enough to spare. I suppose it fit into the little picture they’d painted for me though. The wind was picking up and I started to feel tired as it ruffled my clothes. It was late afternoon, but I just wanted to crawl into bed.

“Come on!” Riley yelled at me from the bottom of the hill. She had that dress on. I couldn’t stand to look at her in that thing. All those nights ago, by the beach, she wore it back then too. It was just too hard to dismiss, but at the same time I only wanted it gone. Listlessly I stared at her from where I sat up, and I was transfixed, focused on some emotions I could only dream about anymore. Her hair whipped in the wind, blowing into her face and constantly forcing her to push it away. “Are you coming or what?!” “Yeah yeah…” I shouted back down to her, struggling to stand as the wind pushed me down. “Hurry up slow poke!” Riley laughed, her face lighting up as she did. I was still having a hard time believing she was real, even as her hand reached up and touched my face gently, her warm fingers running effortless across my cheek. I even laid a hand on her shoulder, and felt her skin and her collar bone under the material. Was it just memory? I thought that a million times before, and each time I decided I didn’t care anymore. “Should we go now?” I wanted to go home and hope for the day to end as soon as I got there. She looked at me with confusion spread across her face. “You haven’t even gone in yet. Don’t you want to see it?” She was just being earnest, but the truth was I did and I didn’t. I loved my ship. It was the only thing that had been there for me, time after time, never asking for anything much and always giving me more than I deserved. It was a lot like Riley when I thought about it, but I never felt good comparing a woman to a piece of machinery. I’m sure she felt the same way. I could never wrap my head around the fact that I survived, let alone that my NS-58 gave it’s life in return for that little miracle. It was almost as though I was dreading seeing it again because I wouldn’t know what to say. Funny, considering I talked to it all the time anyway, words shouldn’t be a problem when it comes to something that doesn’t talk.

The old access door screeched open, giving way to the musty dingy interior of the ancient hangar. It was built decades ago, and ages of dust crawled along it’s floors and wavered across the light streaming in from outside. Riley didn’t seem to care as she ran across the open space, kicking up clouds in her wake, the corners of her sundress picking up as she went. She turned and begged me to join her as she bolted for the craft that sat squared away from the rest of the hangar. I walked, keeping a dumb smile on my face as I watched her go. Something had really gotten into her all of the sudden, she was more alive than I had seen her in years. Odd to say, but it was things like this that made me realize I didn’t want to ignore her, even if she was some distant conjuring of my imagination.

She ran up and leapt onto the stout left wing of my ship, turning and shooting me a dainty salute as she posed. She began cracking up immediately. Even though I was inclined to focus on her, I was still drawn rather magnetically to my baby. Technically, she wasn’t mine per se, she had been rebuilt from the tiny little pieces she ended up as. But as I looked at that flat navy blue finish and the shimmering red markings, I couldn’t help thinking I was getting ready to go back into a skirmish or something. I looked long and hard at her; the insignia of the 6th division, the Phoenix ironically, sat rather amicably along the hull, just short of touching the cockpit like always. To it’s left were the flagrant red squares with harsh x’s within them. All 42 of my kills sat proudly below the cockpit window, perfectly aligned and brighter than I had remembered them. I practically scoffed them as I walked past and continued looking her over.

They told me that Hollings’ kid brother was handling the repairs. Hollings was a good friend, and a first rate mechanic, so I wasn’t really surprised to hear his younger brother had followed in his footsteps. After all, when I first met Hollings he had told me that his brother would one day outshine anything he was already capable of; a real prodigy from the sound of it. I had never met the younger Hollings brother, so I couldn’t say for certain. However, from the looks of her, she was in better condition than when I received her. The hull was as straight as an arrow without so much as a single dent in it, nothing like the ship I had flown for 3 years. It was flawless, and a full compliment of armaments was ready to be loaded.

Nevertheless, in spite of the magnificent job that Hollings’ brother had done on her, she still seemed somehow less magnificent without her wear, without her patches and scars. Without all of her blemishes she was only a show model painted up to look like my aircraft.

“You don’t seem happy to see her.” Riley had gotten down off the wing and walked around until she was poking out beneath the nose of my ship. “What’s wrong?” “It’s my ship, but…” I just ran a hand along it’s slick surface feeling the contours of the nose cone for the first time in quite a while, remembering all the times I sat out in the hangar of the Minthus, polishing her until she glowed. But the thing was, back then she glowed because she was something special, she had been through so much and always came out on top. Of course I had a minor part to play in all the victories adorned on her left cheek, but still it was the ship that shown brightest when I was done waxing. “She just doesn’t glow like she used to.”

A sort of unnerving silence descended on this little corner of the hangar, Riley watching me and me watching my ship. I was prepared to stare at her as long as I had to to understand why I was so afraid of moving forward even now.

“Parker Hutchinson, you’re hopeless!” Riley laughed, and before I could shoot her that angry scowl of a man rudely broken away from his erstwhile reminiscing she threw something at me. I grabbed it before I could think about it. It made that faint metallic shimmering sound as I twirled it in my hands, bringing the brilliant red bird to stare directly at me. It was my old 6th division badge. I must have left it in the ship. The Fighting Phoenix. God, I could hardly find the words. Everyone aboard the Minthus was given a badge like this to celebrate the 75th anniversary of the 6th division’s formation. The man in charge of the Minthus, Admiral Bryce Solomon himself personally gave me this badge during the banquette, and he told me that he was proud of the job I was doing.

That was a long time ago though, and this badge was the only thing that remained now. I turned away from Riley and the NS-58, clutching the badge in one hand while I clenched the other into a ball. I wanted to do something, I just had no idea what it was. Maybe I wanted to crush the badge I held. Maybe I wanted to get in the damn aircraft and fly off somewhere. But mostly, I just wanted it all back.

“Hey Park, I was just kidding baby.” Riley’s thin arms wrapped around my neck. I felt her body pressing against my back, and her soft breath grazing me gently. “Don’t get so down on my account you jerk.”

I didn’t say anything to her, I just spun around and grabbed her, drawing her in and embracing her. I didn’t give her an inch to spare as I held her. I almost wanted to push her inside me so I’d never be without her ever again, so I’d never have know what it’s like to lose her for a second time. That was all I could ever hope for now.

The alarm clock was blaring a song written more than 20 years ago, a classic I suppose, not really by my standards, but I wasn’t the one programming the damn radio here. As I reached over to slap the snooze button a wave of shock suddenly overtook me. I had just been woken up by the radio. I mean, to wake up I actually had to be asleep to begin with, so what the hell happened? Did I actually get to sleep for once in my miserable life? Riley’s arm bent overtop me as I sat there, essentially frozen. With a furious smack she relegated the alarm and the room back to it’s ambient silence.

“Jeez, were you going to let it go all morning?” she let her arm drape across my chest as she snuggled closer to me. I was still surprised that I had actually gotten a decent nights sleep for the first time in what I could only imagine was years. “Mmmm. What do you want to do today honey?” “I thought we could actually go somewhere kind of different today.” I was almost reverent in my tone as I alluded to going to the one place I knew I was going to avoid for as long as possible. “Really? Sounds nice.” she yawned and clamped her eyes shut like a kitten or something. She was snoring before I could elaborate. It didn’t matter though, nothing was going to stop me from going there today. I had something I had to know once and for all.

Although I had largely ignored the military’s efforts concerning the Battle of the Auburn Sky and it’s repercussions, I had at least paid attention to the news of the construction of a memorial to honor the Minthus, as well as the other two airships lost, the Garter and the Dolstoy. The premiere battleship, carrier and gunship of the military, and each was destroyed in the blink of an eye. Highly polished obsidian spires rose from the ground to form the entrance to the memorial grounds. Riley plodded along beside me, almost in awe of the spectacle erected with nostalgia in mind.

I stopped before the wall inscribed with the names of the fallen. I wasn’t looking for anything here, I just wanted to see if I could remember why I was fighting in the first place. Inset on the wall in faint grey, behind the names carved deep into the stone was a silhouette of the Minthus. I traced the curves of the of the ship as I stood there for what seemed like hours, just trying to ascertain my own direction. I felt like a fool turning to the past to get a bearing on the future, but it was all I could do from falling victim to that circle of constant wondering and doubt. I avoided the obvious trap of saying I fought for those I lost, it just wasn’t my style to be so single note. I wanted to remember what brought me there to begin with. I had spent so long dwelling on why things had fallen into such disarray that I no longer recalled myself from before.

Riley only watched me in silence as I walked on down the path, gazing at the names and the monuments lining the way. As I neared the end I came across the last slate inscribed with words meditating on the Battle of Auburn Sky. On the stone were only a few words, but they hit home despite their brevity.

For those who will never forget, distinction and pride overflows At the thought of vengeance, and the destruction of the Aria Rose.

How could I have forgotten? I realized I had lost my concentration and my insight into my own heart since then, but I had never thought about that ship. That phantom ship. It appeared, evanesced from the clouds almost, and immediately began decimating the islands to the North. The Aria Rose, a ship that was thought to have slipped beneath the clouds ages ago before it could even enter battle, had suddenly emerged without warning. It had no malice or wrath in it’s actions, and seemingly no crew or country to call it’s own. It simply wrought destruction as it lumbered through the skies like a indolent giant. I didn’t hate it for the mere reason it destroyed all that I knew. No, it did far more to me than that.

I stared at it as I climbed, and without gaining more than a foot it enveloped me in that pale red light, sealing my fate in blinding solidarity. I could never forgive it for taking those lives that I now grieve for, but for being so indiscriminant, and without warning of any kind, I was baffled by my own fury. I latched onto the idea that it was nothing but a pandering boil that sought to subjugate for the sake of subjugation. I despised such things. I may have been nothing but an arrogant fool, but I was never so careless as to fell the innocent simply because I had the ability to do so. It was reprehensible, to say the least, unforgivable.

“But what could you have done?” Riley was standing behind me now, a few paces back. “There’s nothing I could have done.” I was being honest, even if it did make me angry. Incensed. “Exactly. You were all alone, you couldn’t have beaten something like that on your own Parker.” Riley spoke solemnly, her hands folded in front of her. I turned to look at her, but something stopped me. I could feel the wind chilling me as I heard a siren blasting in the distance. An air raid siren. We were so far from the air base, nearly 5 miles I estimated, but I could still hear the sirens blaring their warning. “A raid?” I looked back to Riley, but she was already staring off into the distance. I didn’t waste anymore time listening to it. I had to see it for myself. I was done being the passive fool I had become. Whether Riley was really here or not was no longer any of my concern. I loved her, and no matter how much I missed her that wasn’t going to change. Having her back for these past months was more than I ever thought I’d be fortunate enough to experience again. So now that I knew what I had to do, I’d at least be at peace with the part of me that still missed her. The part that was still laying in a stupor in that hospital bed.

I ran as fast as I could, looking to the sky to see where the raid was coming from. Before I could spot the ships I heard an explosion rip through the air, as loud as a crack of thunder. I couldn’t believe this was happening now, of all times. It seemed all too strange that I’d be running like this again, moving with sudden purpose. There had been plenty of battles that took place while I was out of it, and never once did I feel anything towards them. I never rose from my bed to find out what was happening. I never forced my way into joining the fight like I used to. I lost all sense of it; the thrill of battle. I watched as time passed and they never approached me about it. Not once was I asked to fight. I was simply supposed to remain. It didn’t matter before though, I knew I’d never be any good to them the way I was. I’d have probably been shot down in the first ten minutes, simply because I wasn’t able to bring myself behind the stick of a fighter since I was downed. Downed by the Aria Rose.

What good was as a grounded pilot with a useless two rank promotion and acute depression that showed only on the smallest amounts of the surface he was willing to allow it? As far as I could tell, I was no good to anyone anymore. Just the hollow captain now. And to make matters worse I was lost in my own memories. I couldn’t tell where remembering stopped and living began. Seeing Riley again made me realize I was always useless, then and now, here and there, but not in every respect. I at least meant something to her, and from where I was standing, that wasn’t something to take too lightly. I wasn’t going to take what Riley had given me for granted any longer. I was going to prove once and for all that I lost nothing if not myself when the Minthus went down, and even if I could only do it as a fool, I’d at least show I wasn’t afraid of trying again. Contrived maybe, but it was my decision to be so. I was going to fight again, and this time, I was going to do it for my own reasons.

I was running now, in full sprint as I crossed the field that stood between me and the base. Dark clouds hung over head, not rain bearing in any way, but rather ominous, foreboding clouds really. Clouds of smoke. Another explosion rung out, and this time I could see the bright red beams that were the cause. They tore through the thick cover of smoke and down into the very heart of the base below. I watched several smaller structures closer to me become enveloped in the dust and debris that flowed across the land as a result of the attack. I could feel the shockwaves from here.

I passed what was left of the main gate, leaping over a pile of cinder blocks that had collapsed into the road. I continued on, passing throngs of men and women, clamoring for some sort of reprieve from the bombardment as another volley of crimson blasts showered down through the black smoke. Again I watched as they bore directly down on headquarters, decimating buildings and sending a curtain of rubble cascading down around me. For a moment, and completely transfixed, I traced the path of the beams back into the sky, and to their origin. That vile outline held fast before me, grimacing almost, wickedly shining it’s savagery upon all. I looked and found not a single ship of our own to challenge it, to challenge the might of the Aria Rose.

Where were they? Why hadn’t they scrambled yet? Were we really this cowardly? Or perhaps just this inept. I had assumed that our military had the means to attempt combat with any vessel that would be so bold as to barge in and make a mockery of them like this. However, the more I dwelled on it the more I realized we had not the guts to hunt down this most cunning of enemies once before, and we had not the honor to stop it now. It was daunting, that much I knew, but it also seemed to be paralyzing as well. Diminishing us with deft precision and without a single hand to challenge it at that. It had won with the same confidence it did back then against the Minthus. It had simply done the same duty with the same aptitude, and procured the same results. I could hardly stand to look now as I cast my head towards the ground. My hands had been balled tightly into fists, but now they grew lax and simply fell open at my sides. I exhaled deeply, letting my own emotions flow effortlessly from me. I grew motionless, and slowly turned a cold eye to the sky, and the thick black clouds consuming the Aria Rose. Just before it’s dim hull evanesced back into the darkness, I spat a soft curse to it’s name and turned, marching solemnly away from the destruction it had wrought.

I didn’t care anymore about my own inhibitions. I had spent far too long sitting around feeling sorry for myself and those I had lost. Even when Riley had come back to me I whiled away listlessly, questioning the validity of my very existence. And where the hell did that get me? I wasn’t suicidal, and lord knows I may have been more than once in my darkest moments, but my decision now had nothing to with death. It was about life as I saw it, and exactly how I was going to spend the rest of it while I had the chance to decide that for myself. I wasn’t going to think anymore; I had done too much of that. There wasn’t time left for thinking.

I pulled on the massive sliding door, it’s wheels squealing something awful as it slid. The sound of the door being opened echoed in the empty hangar. Since it was primarily used as a storage area, there was no personnel here, just planes and armaments. Once the right door was in place I placed my hands on the left and began pushing with all my might. It slid rougher than the first, and squealed twice as much, and when it was finally open wide enough it struck another door in the same track, a number of windows from both doors shattering on impact. I glanced over my shoulder before heading to my ship, and out of the corner of my eye I saw the glass breaking into millions of tiny shards, glimmering in the sunlight. They looked like drops of water from where I stood.

“Are you going to go?” Riley stood in the entrance now, somewhere behind me, I just couldn’t see her. I stopped for a moment, but I didn’t turn around just yet. “Are you really going to fight even after what’s happened?” “That’s right.” I wanted to keep it short. It would only get worse if I spent an interlude before battle on a teary goodbye. “So just like that? It’s that easy for you to leave me a second time?” Riley sounded choked up as she spoke, almost crying. “No, it isn’t.” “Then why are you just flying off like this?!” “Because it’s all I have left…” “No! You don’t understand a damn thing yet, do you?” “I’m going to fight because it’s the last thing I need to do to know that I’m not completely dead.” “You idiot…”

I heard her sniffle a little bit, here and there a soft sob drifted from her and clawed at my heart. I was about to look at her when she stopped crying and spoke to me again.

“You were always too blind to see what actually mattered Parker. Although you’re right in saying there is little left for you to do, you still don’t have to decide on fighting as your only option. I’m sorry, about what you’ve endured Parker, and also sorry that I could not have been by your side when you were in need of me most.” “Riley…” I turned to look at her, and as I did I found her standing before me in full uniform. She smiled wearily before lifting her hand to her head in salute. “I miss you Park, more than anyone knows, but I’m still glad you made this decision. It was yours, and yours alone to make.” “Riley? What are you…” “Good bye Park, my love.” “Wait, Riley. Where are you going?” “Good bye…”

Before I knew it, she had disappeared, leaving a faint trace behind. I could still smell her perfume on the air, even with the heady smell of ash and soot drifting by. There were even prints in the dirt where she had stood. I rushed forward to the spot where the woman I loved vanished, finding only a faint echo of what I had been missing all along. I stood there for a moment, breathing heavily as I waited for her to show up again. I knew I had lost her again, and even though this time felt no less jarring I was more at ease. I wanted to see her face just once more, but I knew what she looked like, and that was truly all I could hope to retain of her now.

Even as I slumped in that position, thoughts of Riley meandering through my mind, I felt a great shadow gathering above, until it loomed over me like rain clouds. I looked up, expecting that cursed ship to be hovering there, passionless and devoid of direction. My eyes grew wide and blurry as I saw something I hadn’t seen for some time. I dropped to my knees in awe as the Minthus came about, it’s guns drawn forward and it’s hull gleaming in the dying sun. I gazed upon it in disbelief, wondering exactly why I chose now to see her. Nevertheless, it floated above me now, like in the nightmares I had while I lay dead awake in bed, staring at that bland ceiling, hoping to drift away and finally be rid of it’s image once and for all.

It moved ahead, and as I watched it gliding off, gaining altitude with ease I remained as hollow as ever, still unable to move forward like I wanted. The hollow captain once again. Useless as always, and still nothing more than a cocky fool hoping to protect his friends. Even as sorrow washed over me like a heavy tide I was pushed even deeper inside this cocoon of disquieted unrest as I saw the Aria Rose trembling through the veil of ash it had created. It was inevitably cut off by the Minthus, the two ships meeting again. I was again powerless , and I still held myself accountable for being the trepid bastard I was.

Again the Aria Rose’s guns glowed a dire, fearsome red, only now I could hear the power surging to them. I stood and watched the Minthus ready itself as well, it’s guns glowing a pale white. They surged briefly and finally released with a spectacular display of brilliant light that coursed through the air, striking the Aria Rose dead on. Sparks and debris showered down , and thick clouds formed all around it, obscuring it from view. I could only watch in horror as it emerged, like it did back then, not as pristine as before, but still the unstoppable menace it always was. It let lose it’s fury, and the crimson lasers shot forth, unrelenting as they careened into the Minthus, breaking it’s hull again, rending the solid steel plating like mere flesh. The Minthus twisted in disdain, but did not sink. Rather, it charged again firing into the face of the beast just to spite it’s inexorable attack. The Minthus moved ahead even as pieces of itself separated and fell twirling to the ground in smoking piles. Flames engulfed the ship as it pressed on, braving yet another hail of fire from the Aria Rose. I remained, unable still, watching as the Minthus barreled in on it’s foe, closing the gap between them swiftly, holding together despite the ferocity it faced. And with a soul shattering sound, the nose of the Minthus rammed the Aria Rose, crumpling like cardboard, delving into the monster’s hide like a spear. Only no blood gushed forth, and no noise was made by the Aria Rose as it was impaled. The two ships seemed to hold there in silence, floating as if in a trance until the Minthus groaned horrifically , it’s engines sputtering and finally submitting to fatigue, and it’s hull falling into shambles as it bent towards the Earth. It appeared to be scraped off unceremoniously, like gum from the bottom of your shoe, just sliding off and falling into segments.

As the last piece of the Minthus hit the ground, I felt a writhing sense of pain shudder through me yet again. I had lost them all once before, and now I was forced to watch it happen with my own eyes. I called Riley’s name as I pounded a fist into the ground, tears streaming down my face. I yelled her name simply out of frustration and remorse, but also because I had never been afforded this morbid sense of closure before. All this time I had felt as though she was torn from me in my sleep, no chance to say farewell, no chance to fully comprehend what had taken her away from me. Now I knew what it was that was tearing away at me, eating me from the inside. I knew what it was like to see her, see all of them, all that was on my mind, pass away in a gut wrenching spectacle not fit for any man to bear witness to.

I sat in the cockpit now, my hand clamped tight around the control stick, pensive as I felt the engine rumbling. I pulled into position, the runway stretching out into infinity from the open hangar doors. My head was bent forward, my eyes distantly glaring as I let out the breaks and threw the throttle forward ferociously, the NS-58 roaring as loud as I had ever heard it. It lurched forward, it’s tires screeching against the dusty floor. In mere seconds I burned across the makeshift dirt path, building speed steadily. The fighter lifted into the air, the wind being directed beneath it’s air foils and whipping past with a sheer howling. It had been a while, more than a year since I had flown, but it really was like riding a bike. Everything was where I had left it, theoretically, and everything fell into place as I ran through the motions. I had been missing a part of myself up until now, and I wasn’t claiming to have miraculously found it or anything, but I at least knew what the hell it was. And with that knowledge, I was going to face my fears and get it back.

I didn’t know if I was making all of this up or not. Hell, I could have been dead by now, but it didn’t really matter. What’s real, what’s not, it’s my own reality I have to take into consideration. Nothing matters now, nothing but me, and that ship. I had faced it before, only to end in disgrace, a predetermined outcome to some. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to look at the odds as insurmountable. No, even if it was a phantom, a ship with no home and no crew, I was going to destroy it. I was going to reduce it to the same pitiful , writhing pile it had reduced me to.

It fired at me, it’s scarlet beams glancing just past my cockpit, illuminating everything around me, shaking the very air I was flying in. I didn’t even blink as I watched it readying itself once again. I simply pushed ahead, the NS-58 rattling like a can of rocks as it neared it’s limits. The Aria Rose fired again, and I swerved, banking hard to my right, jolting myself around like a rag doll in the process. It fired again, and I dodged. Again. Each time I pushed my ship as far as she would go, maneuvering around the incoming attacks like I had never done before. I was possessed, my hands moving faster than I could think, my eyes darting back and forth, frantically finding paths around the deadly beams like tracing my options in a maze, only at a rate I couldn’t comprehend.

It loomed larger than ever before, filling my view now with every inch of it’s gut-churning visage. I felt the ship buckle quickly. It nicked me. Out of the corner of my eye I could see pieces of her lifting up, obviously ready to go, but hanging on by the skin of their teeth. I held together as best I could, drawing closer and closer to the beast with every passing second. It fired almost incessantly, non-stop, just trying to pluck me out of the sky like it did last time. Only, I wasn’t going down that easily. Not now.

Suddenly, it stopped. Was I too close to it for it fire on me? Perhaps. The Aria Rose was too close now, right before me, closer than ever. We were going to collide, and I supposed now that it was what I had intended from the very beginning. I struck it, passing through into it’s very bowels without any effort. I drifted away as I did, letting go of the controls, letting go of everything and just becoming consumed.

I suppose memory was just a tool to me. Always hindering me, sending me to places I didn’t want to be. Places like this. I was handicapped by my memories, never allowed to use them for anything as trivial or passive as reminiscing. Letting the darkness finally envelope me I realized I’d never know if I was successful or not, but rather I took solace in the sweet embrace of the end. I was done. After all the time I wasted in the quagmire of doubt that had become my existence I had broken through. At the cost of a life I had grown to hate, and passing into an unknown I couldn’t have cared less about, I finally came to terms with what was plaguing me. I had finally gotten back to a place that wasn’t life and it wasn’t death. It was simply, a fading away.

2006 Pat Dangle